A few months back I was feeling butt-hurt because a friend from way back had pushed their way back into my life, made themselves comfortable and then with no warning or explanation, decided to vacate just as abruptly in a very douchey manner.
I beat myself up over it. I took it very personally. I was so mad at myself for believing in them, someone notorious for their vices and success at conning everyone around them, for lending an ear and shoulder, for getting involved. I was pissed at myself for being wrong about them. I felt like a sucker. I was mad that I wasn’t strong enough to instantly feel indifference for them. I felt weak and that never sits well with me.
While writing always helps me deal, I’ve hesitated to write about what I was going through because I’ve had way too much venom in my fingertips to do anything but berate them for their flaws. While I do so enjoy a good evisceration (I really, really do!), I couldn’t allow myself a public outlet because at one time that person was the closest friend I had.
It’s taken me a long time to get to the point where I don’t feel anger or hurt when I think of them and I feel comfortable writing because I’ve done my contemplation and moved on, made new mistakes and even made a few new friends. I’d love to say I don’t feel anything, but I have this stupid honesty thing going on that prevents me from saying that. I do feel something when I think of them. I feel pity. I feel sad for them and that’s as close to nothingness as I’ll ever come because they’ve been part of my heart.
I’m not angry at myself anymore, after thinking about it for some time, I’ve come to realize that my hurt feelings don’t make me weak. The pain I felt wasn’t a result of some flaw I possess. The paltry dishonest reasons that were delivered to me at a later date weren’t a reflection on who I am. Every single action, every turn of phrase, was a view into the cowardice that resides in a terrified soul who feels they can “fake it until they make it”. Hoping that in some small way, by telling me what they thought I wanted to hear, they could keep the facade up.
Until the very end, I simply accepted every lie they dished out, allowing them to forgive themselves for being an asshat. With experience, and dare I say, age, I’ve realized there’s no glory in calling bullshit on a bullshitter. I knew the bravado was false and some actions were motivated by pure selfishness. I knew their bucket was not just riddled with holes, but rotted through in parts.
I also knew that letting them think I believed everything, showing them that someone trusted them and still cared for them despite their inherent need to behave so dishonorably could help them. I knew that sometimes it only takes one person to believe in you for you to change your life. Offering that up to someone who needs it so desperately wasn’t a mistake.
I also know that it’s a tremendous amount of pressure, having someone believe in you. I know how easy it is to stay the same because changing is so damn hard. I know all of that and can understand, even if I don’t respect it.
Now, with many months of perspective on my side, I am able to see those aren’t weaknesses. I’m not a fool for believing in a friend when they needed it. My ego can survive being tossed aside, I’ve got good friends and they are there for me through everything a friend is needed for. I’ll certainly survive without a faux friend and I’ve realized that what I thought made me weak was actually my greatest strength.
My heart being open enough to be hurt isn’t a negative. It’s the most important positive I have. I won’t close myself off because of this and I don’t feel defeated. My success in my eyes is measured by how much I can care, how much I can love the people in my life, and how much I still want to. That part of me hasn’t changed at all. I won’t say I will be more careful about who I let close to me. And I won’t say I’ll try harder next time to prevent getting hurt.
And I’m ok with that, Frazzled Followers, because in the span of time, in this broken world, I think that being open to real and truth, even if it kicks you in the face, is all that really matters.
-Happily Slacking Through 2014 ❤