You Can Have It All, My Empire Of Dirt


Wow! Way to make me feel awesome Frazzled Followers! I woke up this morning to find not only many emails but comments (real live comments! I feed on those, people! I like when the world knows you like me, I need that kind of reassurance! Keep ’em coming!)  in response to this post.

Spurred on by your positive feedback to my malaise, I give you this iffy hideousness:

 

Settle for mediocrity. Bathe in it.

Each night ending fitfully on your impotent couch or liars chair. Avoid your bed. You made it well with false desires for success but still refuse to climb in. Fitful nights filled with fantasy of fierce purposefulness. Tuck yourself in, try to sleep. Wait for the end.

Medicate.

Fantasize you are railing against something. Anything. Be aggressive. “Be BE aggressive!” Find small, meaningless ways to be anarchistic, to re-grasp even just a sliver of your former conviction. You aren’t a follower if you goose-step angrily, right?

Each morning, wake tired and uninspired. Shake off the night like so many webs of dreams unrealized.   Inundate your day with priorities of false importance. Force the memories deep down into your deadened keep. Shadows of your psuedo-rebellion projected on the shower wall, quickly washed down the drain. Reminders of what you could almost feel in the dark of the night, when you were truly, if only for the briefest moment, alone.

Medicate.

Put on your armor. Melancholy, your high-priced custom tailor, threading every stitch you don. Slip on shoes by Sub-par, weighting your feet, shuffle the streets as only those who have everything they ever wanted could. Your trepidation rewarded by a custom neck noose whittled from slabs of your once true self. It binds, never fully extinguishing the breath you pull in and out like an addict bent on the next oxygen high, yet tight enough to inhibit your every thought.

Drudge through your days that never cease. Try to remember angst, never fully experience it. Pine for the days of your youth, pretend you didn’t hate them as fully as you hate these days. Wave your gangrenous extremities about with mustered conviction. Convince yourself.

You have arrived!

Now wait to die. It won’t come soon enough and it won’t be quick. You will surely feel regret press upon your chest long before you are blessed with final breath. No matter how young or aged when that time comes, you will lust after the days when you had more time. When you could have been something. Someone. Anything. You will conveniently forget you traded all those opportunities for the freedom of giving up control. For the fear of being responsible for someone else’s unhappiness.

Each day you wasted worrying about the ones that were past resigned to trudge through those in your future. Each day you waited to finish, but upon the edge of your cessation, you will beg for more., knowing in your heart you would do the same thing all over again.

In the sleepless dead of night, when eyes burn and nothing makes sense? When everything becomes complicated, each conversation turning towards anger? When you wish your eyes would close, if only for a minute? When sanity is thinnest and you can almost see the other side? The other You? That’s the time.

That is your truth.

Welcome home.

Sucker.

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21 responses to “You Can Have It All, My Empire Of Dirt

  • Annon.

    This is so depressing. It reminds me of every single day of my life. Thanks for that.

    Like

  • Jake

    This is easily the best thing you’ve ever published here. Fucking brilliant!

    Like

  • Edd

    You’ve captured the essence of every forgotten dream I’ve ever had. If this is autobiographical, make changes. It’s never too late.

    Like

    • frazzledslacker

      Thanks…I think. This isn’t necessarily about me or anyone for that matter, although I think when we look into darkness we all see a small part of ourselves looking back, don’t we? Rest assured, I’d rather die at the beaks of a thousand blood thirsty parrots before leading a life such as the one I described (and I REALLY hate parrots) 😉

      Like

  • Frank M.

    This makes me want to cry I can’t tell if that was the point

    Like

    • frazzledslacker

      I’m sorry…I think? There was no point to this other than to run with a feeling I had at the moment of writing it. If you are moved to near tears, I think you experienced this post exactly as it was intended 🙂

      Like

  • KD

    Love this song and it fits the topic so well, great post!

    Like

  • Raychelle

    I can’t picture you feeling the way you described. You seem to have such a positive sunny outlook. Hope everything is ok 🙂

    Like

    • frazzledslacker

      Why thank you, Raychelle, that is very kind of you to say. I do tend to err on the positive side of things despite my certainty that this world is an evil hecubus, but recently I had been immersed in tremendous negativity and inadvertently took some on. Fortunately, it was short lived 🙂 (and welcome to fold new Follower!)

      Like

  • anonymous

    I may just read this every single day as I take the train to work. Or I might piss on my boss’s desk and start a band with what’s left of my life. Thanks for the shove into the unknown.

    Like

    • frazzledslacker

      Ahh, anonymous, you bring a smile to my face! Do not go quietly onto the treadmill for The Man! The greatest thing you could ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. And bacon. Yes, definitely bacon.

      Like

  • Kelly Garnisa

    This sounds like my ex! He always used his “commitments” as an excuse to avoid actually living his life! I’m going to send this to him!

    Like

  • SithVader

    You amaze me. Surely this is observational and not a descriptor of your own life. You would never settle for the drivel droll the mere mortals around you hide behind in their pursuit of the grave. You emit the darkest of sunshine my dear. I want to bask in its cold rays for eternity.

    Like

    • frazzledslacker

      Ahh, SithVader, I try so very hard not to play favorites amongst my Followers, but you bring such an of mystery and excitement to my comments section (and in box) that if I were ever forced at light saber point I would have no other choice than to pick you. You scare me and flatter me simultaneously and that is one magic mixture. Thank you. I will now always hold the term “darkest of sunshine” in my head as my most favorite term used to describe myself. I must, however, point out that you enjoy my words and for that I am thankful, but I’m a raging bucket of ugly and evil and your eternity of basking would be pure torment. Find yourself a nice girl your own age and build your Death Star with her, bring new, young Sith into the world and give me hope for the future ❤

      Like

    • frazzledslacker

      And you are correct, I could never live the life I described above for very long. I have lived it and even tried to embrace it, but alas, I’m a bridge burner at heart and I find that I am happiest when I’m skipping against the steady stream of goose steppers “in their pursuit of the grave” as you so eloquently put it 😉

      Like

  • SithVader

    Why do you not approve my comments instantly?? I grow impatient with awaiting your replies.

    Like

    • frazzledslacker

      Dearest SithVader,
      Please don’t take it personally. I tend to leave all my comments unapproved until I write again and then approve them all at once (hence the odd timestamps you pointed out in your email 😉 ). I assure you, I am not holding off on any comments, it’s just a matter of slacking on the administrative duties of the blog 🙂

      Like

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