I Think I’m Dumb, But I Can Pretend (Am I an idiot?)


Today a fear from my ever-growing list of “Worst fears of Ever!” came to fruition.

I was walking in to the local chain drugstore when the automated doors refused my admittance. I smacked my entire self (oversized chest, in need of a pluck chin, and one knee) right up against the glass doors. Like a graceless bird flailing to its demise. As the patrons of said chain drugstore stood in line to pay for purchases, they got the full on, flattened view of my plus size, rumpled, and extremely surprised self squished against the glass doors.

Fortunately, I was not inside to hear the chuckling that was surely taking place, but I did get a bird’s eye (albeit a graceless one!) view of the many facial expressions my faux pas elicited.

The clerk squinched her face and I could clearly see her mouth “oooh!” in the “I don’t want to KNOW what that felt like!” way. The two teenagers buying rubber band bracelets in popular shapes…like cats and dinosaurs and guitars (and let me digress right here and say that it hasn’t been cool for boys to wear rubber bracelets since Duran Duran was dominating the airwaves, you goobers!) clutched their stomachs with laughter (and I am so sure the words I couldn’t hear coming from them were “dude! Did you SEE that?!?”) and an elderly gentleman just shook his head as if this whole embarrassing thing was my fault.

 Now, me being me, I couldn’t just push the doors open, or even just turn in shame and find another place to shop (like the competing chain drug store RIGHT ACROSS THE FREAKING STREET!) I had to step back, assess the situation and stamp my foot indignantly to see if it was triggered by weight (if this were the case, I bet I would have opened that door from 2 feet back…who am I kidding? No. Really.). I waved my hands in front of the door, in case it was a movement sensor thing, I even jumped up. Twice. I was about mid jump when I noticed a clerk pointing to a sign located just slightly below my line of sight. It said “Automatic Door Broken. Please pull door”.

Fanfuckentastic.

 I AM an idiot.

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